How DO we feel about advice, really?

I have so much to say tonight. I'm going to try and process it slowly, so I'll type it slowly, so it will make sense to you.

People give advice about so many things, everything from how to cook, to how to be pregnant, how to deliver - pain meds or no pain meds, to how to parent, to how to deal with life. Some of it we retain with a grateful heart and some of it we hear as a whisper - making it harder to recall. But, for most of us, secretly we know our way is better.

Then someone will come along and give the same advice over and over. And we find ourselves thinking, "what makes them the expert?". It's that that I find so heavy on my heart tonight. Generally speaking, when I look at my life, I think I'm a good mother. I'm home for them, I cook for them, I laugh with them, I do homework with them, I am here when they go to bed at night and I'm here to see them off to school in the morning. I pick them up from school happy to see them and eager to hear about their day. But that's not what makes a good mother. Those things, the ones I mentioned above, those are the easy things. It's what I'm learning to call, the "surface" clean.

The "surface" clean is when the house appears to be clean but when you open closets and drawers it's cluttered. When you parent on the surface, you are blind to the things you aren't doing. The truly nurturing things. The things that will cement a happy memory in your child's head. The things that will cement life lessons and how to deal with them appropriately. Instead of just going through the motions of daily life. Having children is way more in depth than what I ever dreamed. It's teaching them to do the simple things like brushing their teeth. Ok, got that one covered right? Wrong. I always thought, you tell them that it's important to brush their teeth then when they don't do it you discipline them. It's important to be responsible. But, wait. Their just kids . It doesn't work that way. Try thinking of it like this. Teach them to brush their teeth, then if you are on your way to school and you ask "Did you brush your teeth?" and they reply "no" discipline yourself. Because as parents it is OUR responsibility to teach them to follow through. Follow through and make sure it's done before you are on your way to school.

That's just an example of a tiny thing. Here is a bigger thing. When you are frustrated, it's been a long day and the kids are fighting and one's crying and another is hungry and you've been cleaning up diapers and spilled sippy cups and trying to fold the only half a load of laundry you got done and it's 5:30, somehow, and you didn't take out anything to thaw for dinner and you're not prepared.....What are they learning then? When they are doing their homework and it's not a "homework" environment (quiet) and they are frustrated because they are feeling overwhelmed by the work load and you are feeling overwhelmed by your work load so you find yourself yelling, trying to be successful at creating peace and quiet, when all they need is your undivided attention. What are they learning then?

All of a sudden it doesn't matter if you're home for them, if you laughed with them, if you met them at the school eager to hear about their day. All of a sudden it doesn't matter how many times you say "I love you" it doesn't matter that you spent your entire day thinking about them and missing them. What matters is that they are frustrated, you're frustrated and you appear to be frustrated with them. It crushes their spirit. It truly creates doubt in their little hearts. Even when you think you're doing such a good job. Because you're not like some Mom's who are hopping around from boyfriend to boyfriend or are on drugs or are never there or whatever. You compare yourself to how bad it could be not even realizing how bad you're creating it to be.

Does that make sense?

My best friend (not mentioning any names but it's someone I live with) gives me advice all the time. Parenting advice. I can't help but to think half the time "what makes you the expert?". But maybe it's not what makes him the expert, but what doesn't make me the expert. Maybe it's what the people around us have experienced in their own lives that DOES make them the expert. They know how to do this or how to do that because they know how it feels to either receive it or to need it and not get it. Sheer wisdom. And we all know that wisdom comes from life. From living it.

So I should not be so quick to defend my mothering skills. I see my kids get frustrated with their homework, like they did tonight. And I realize (because I seem to learn things the hard way) that they are reacting to a stressful situation the same way that I do. I'm good when it's other people's stress. I'm pretty good at calming down another military wife when she learns that their orders got dropped or that they are moving overseas instead of to Texas. I'm pretty good at lending a shoulder or an ear. But how good am I at teaching my kids that? Where are my kids when I'm sitting in some woman's living room helping her out after a long night with her kids? Mine are at school. There is a stress free side of me that my kids probably rarely see. And that's not acceptable. I'm making an eternal impression on them. They are going to LIVE how I teach them to live. They are going to react how I teach them to react. They are going to love how I teach them to love. And it's THOSE things that I'll call "deep" clean.

I heard something on the radio last night and I can't get it out of my head.

How come, when Jesus was accused of so many things, how come He didn't defend himself? Most of us when we are unjustly accused we are very quick to defend ourselves. Some fight diligently until nothing has been gained except for more pain, some fight quietly in their circle of friends. But we all, probably would defend ourselves in one way or another. But not Jesus. Why? Look at it from His point of view. He knew that in His Father's eyes he was blameless, spotless, innocent. So why defend himself to ordinary men? There was no need. Because He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that His Father loved Him.

So maybe, I'll be less quick to defend. Quicker to listen...Hmmm that verse pops up, slow to speak....*rolls eyes* Ok, ok Lord. I hear you. Thanks for the pep talk. I'm listening. And P.S Lord, thanks for giving me a husband who has the insight of a child, the heart of a child, the compassion of a child, yet the wisdom of a man.

And Sunnydale, I loved being home with you today and watching you make cookies for the kids. That was a blast. They have enjoyed the cookies, but probably more because you made them just for them. That was special. *wink* Thanks for the life lesson once again taught in gentleness. I am truly blessed. So are the four precious little lives asleep upstairs.
See you in the morning....